Undeserving...

First, allow me to apologize for the lack of structure to the following post. My brain is going nine hundred miles an hour with things that need to be shared NOW.

Okay, so when was the last time you thought about how terrible of a person you are? Like how filthy, dishonest, deceitful, selfish, arrogant, rude, inconsiderate, unloving, narcissistic you are? Be honest with yourself for a second. Think about those deep, dark corners of your being that you are so embarrassed of; dusty, full of shame. Think about the things you have done that you wish you could undo. Think about the things you wish you could unsay. The thoughts you wish you could unthink. We all have an instant in our minds that we are haunted by, a moment we regret... that one thing you wish you could go back and change. Something we are too ashamed to admit to the people we love, or anyone for that matter. {feel like scum yet?}

Okay, so now think about all of the awesome things you have. Your loving and caring family. Your friends that would sacrifice anything for you. The spouse that has promised the rest of his/her life to you. The children you've raised from birth. Think about all of your talents and passions. Think about the roof over your head. The food in your cabinet. The job you have. The money you're making. That nagging boss who drives you crazy; he/she is the reason you have the job you do. Big or small, whether we have a little or a lot, we all have that one thing in our lives we are so thankful for. That we are so undeserving of.

But that's just it.
We are undeserving. Of everything we have. If our belongings and blessings were in accordance with our actions and we received them based on those actions and thoughts... we would have absolutely nothing.

I was laying in bed tonight attempting to sleep but my mind just kept racing and jumping all over the place. I found myself thinking about Christian and eventually it led to me thanking God for him. I've prayed so long for this kind of love; a love that is only a sliver of Christ's love for me. I've prayed to find a man who is God-fearing, passionate and driven, tender yet strong... Never could I have imagined someone so exquisitely wonderful would ask me to marry him. I don't deserve that. Wait.... I don't deserve that. I don't deserve a love like this, and that's only a fraction of Christ's love for me. I'm so overwhelmed... I don't deserve this finite love I've found on earth, and I most certainly do not deserve the love of Christ in Heaven. A love more infinite than I can understand. A love I can't comprehend. THE most perfect being there ever was, is or will ever be loves ME! Despite those imperfections I stated above, despite all of the ugly, He continues to LOVE me daily. He continues to bless me daily with things I don't deserve. Gosh... what a thought!

Wherever you are, whatever time it is, stop and thank God for what you have. You do not deserve it. Praise Him for His goodness and grace! Because He deserves it.

xo,
Haley