Undeserving...

First, allow me to apologize for the lack of structure to the following post. My brain is going nine hundred miles an hour with things that need to be shared NOW.

Okay, so when was the last time you thought about how terrible of a person you are? Like how filthy, dishonest, deceitful, selfish, arrogant, rude, inconsiderate, unloving, narcissistic you are? Be honest with yourself for a second. Think about those deep, dark corners of your being that you are so embarrassed of; dusty, full of shame. Think about the things you have done that you wish you could undo. Think about the things you wish you could unsay. The thoughts you wish you could unthink. We all have an instant in our minds that we are haunted by, a moment we regret... that one thing you wish you could go back and change. Something we are too ashamed to admit to the people we love, or anyone for that matter. {feel like scum yet?}

Okay, so now think about all of the awesome things you have. Your loving and caring family. Your friends that would sacrifice anything for you. The spouse that has promised the rest of his/her life to you. The children you've raised from birth. Think about all of your talents and passions. Think about the roof over your head. The food in your cabinet. The job you have. The money you're making. That nagging boss who drives you crazy; he/she is the reason you have the job you do. Big or small, whether we have a little or a lot, we all have that one thing in our lives we are so thankful for. That we are so undeserving of.

But that's just it.
We are undeserving. Of everything we have. If our belongings and blessings were in accordance with our actions and we received them based on those actions and thoughts... we would have absolutely nothing.

I was laying in bed tonight attempting to sleep but my mind just kept racing and jumping all over the place. I found myself thinking about Christian and eventually it led to me thanking God for him. I've prayed so long for this kind of love; a love that is only a sliver of Christ's love for me. I've prayed to find a man who is God-fearing, passionate and driven, tender yet strong... Never could I have imagined someone so exquisitely wonderful would ask me to marry him. I don't deserve that. Wait.... I don't deserve that. I don't deserve a love like this, and that's only a fraction of Christ's love for me. I'm so overwhelmed... I don't deserve this finite love I've found on earth, and I most certainly do not deserve the love of Christ in Heaven. A love more infinite than I can understand. A love I can't comprehend. THE most perfect being there ever was, is or will ever be loves ME! Despite those imperfections I stated above, despite all of the ugly, He continues to LOVE me daily. He continues to bless me daily with things I don't deserve. Gosh... what a thought!

Wherever you are, whatever time it is, stop and thank God for what you have. You do not deserve it. Praise Him for His goodness and grace! Because He deserves it.

xo,
Haley

Two Birds, One Stone...

As a little girl I was never one to play with dolls or Barbies, but I sure did love playing dress up. There was something so fantastic about idealizing the future and doing "grown up" things. I vividly remember putting on this itchy white dress with sparkles down the front [see below, on right], hating it for the itchies but loving so much the idea of being a bride and finding the man of my dreams. [If you knew me as a child, you would know that I hate itchies, and when my socks weren't right.]

 

Although a lot has changed since the days of dress up and make-believe, some things have stayed the same. I still hate itchies and when my socks aren't right, and the little blonde cutie in the photo is, to this day, one of my dearest friends. The difference between then and now, though, is that my dreams of being a bride are becoming a reality. I am having an incredibly difficult time grasping that! And, I have found THE man of my dreams! This time in my life is so much more special than I could ever have imagined.

If you have followed this blog over the past few years, you will know that my life has been a series of highs and lows since moving to Cleveland. During one of those "low" periods, I spent many nights laying awake, journaling, weeping, and creating a "stick person" of the man of my dreams; a list of personality traits, things I expected to find in a man. I decided that I wasn't going to date a man until I knew for sure that he fit the "stick figure" I had created in my mind. ...& then came Christian. Just over a year ago he swept me off my feet and I can honestly say my life hasn't been the same since October 8th, 2011. I was so excited when he asked me on our first date, I spent the entire day primping and changing outfits, eventually deciding to go out and buy a completely new outfit from head to toe. I remember sitting in the living room waiting for the doorbell to ring, praying to God that my nervousness wouldn't show and that my "smoky eye" wasn't too dark. He took me to St. John's in Chattanooga and it was undoubtedly the most memorable first date I have ever been on to date, for more than one reason! He thought I was special; this wonderfully passionate, strong, handsome man thought I was special! All my life I've prayed that God would bring a man into my life who would romance me, and that he did!

Over the course of the past year we have laughed together, cried together, fought like siblings and loved each other more every day. He has become my closest friend in the world. He is far better than the "dream husband" I idealized as a child. He is infinitely more special than any "stick figure" I've created as an adult. And now, I get to call him my fiancé! On October 13th 2012 in St. John's restaurant, Christian Phelps asked me to be his wife... And I said YES! Can you believe it? I went off to Lee and got my MRS degree!

On our way to St. John's

  

My guy! So calm, cool and collect.

The most special moment of my entire life.

Tada! (We sure do look good, despite the tears!)